hi, hello. remember me? - chocolate babka

*taps mic*

...is this thing on? 

It's been a while, I know. A little shy of a year since I've put anything in this space other than a few drafts that were forgotten about months ago. whoopsie.

In truth, I've had an itch to start blogging again for the last few months. As the renewal date on my domain approached, I indecisively weighed whether to pay for this empty space on the internet. Would I let it sit idle again or could I give it a few pumps to the chest and breathe life back into it? 

As I mulled over my options, a memory came to the surface--a tiny hope of what I'd always wanted this space to be. Just a blog...about life--MY life--as told through food. A space to write some thoughts and share what's going on, as if you were sitting in my kitchen with me and we were gabbing away like the dearest of friends.

I never set out to teach anyone to bake or to reinvent the chocolate cake, though somewhere along the way, that's what got in my head. I got a little too caught up in what everyone else was doing, and pressured myself into following that script. I got anxious about pageviews and popularity, how to get on the glamorous food sites, and how to make sure my posts were seen. I put way too much pressure on myself to create brand new recipes or adapt existing ones enough to call my own. I got such anxiety about being original that my perfectionism paralyzed me from writing a damn thing.

With my doubts fermenting I was about ready to pull the plug until I came across a post from my lovely friend Kris, who recently returned to blogging after a few important and wonderful changes to her life. Her post resonated with me so much--the embarrassment of abandoning a space I had worked so hard to create, returning to her core values, remembering why she started blogging, and wanting to move forward in an authentic way. Though my life hasn't taken the same path as Kris's, I realized that I've changed a ton since starting this blog too and it didn't feel quite right to keep this thing going without respecting that.

If we're being honest? I started this blog to slough off the academic-writing-voice I'd gleaned from 15 years of penning formulaic essays. I wanted to find my authentic voice and invite that version of me over for a slice of cake.

In the last few years, I've done a lot of work to be completely comfortable with who I am--to love and accept myself, flaws and all. I couldn't have done any of it without this space, where I started to chip away at habits and ideas, and question so much of how I was living life. It was my space to unthink, overthink, and get unstuck. After a bit of reflection, I realized it'd be a disservice to that space, the changes I've made, and to younger me, to uproot everything and leave it behind. 

So, with that in mind, I hope to spend a little more time here doing the things that bring me joy--trying to take better pictures of food, sharing links that inspire me, and letting you into my life, one blog post at a time. 

In the spirit of inviting younger Kelly to the table for some tea & cake, I'm sharing this chocolate babka I made earlier this week. With its uneven chocolate swirls and a quick wave-hello of cinnamon, it's beautiful and delicious -- imperfections and all. 

[get the recipe]

That's My Jam: Strawberry-Balsamic Pie

Lately, I've been jamming on jams. No, not the kind you find in jars (though, let's be real, I'd never pass up a perfect triangle of toast slathered with some homemade jam or preserves). I mean the things in life that make you light up and say, "That?! Oh, that's my jam!"

I'm thankful to be part of Book Club at Buffer, where we most recently read Brene Brown's Rising Strong. (If you're not familiar with Brene's work, please go read everything by her. I'll wait here in the meantime and have pie for you when you get back!) As my teammates and I chatted about vulnerability, someone mentioned that part of being vulnerable means allowing yourself to 'feel the feels' without guilt or shame for your emotions.

I'm no stranger to going against the grain, so the idea of granting myself a permission slip really stuck with me. Lately, I've been putting a ton of pressure on myself to not waste my free time and creating mental lists of what I should be doing.

Confession time: I am a doer. To a fault. I like to go, go, go and squeeze every last drop out of my weekends if I can. Most times this involves running errands, household chores, scurrying off to farmers markets, and taking on fourteen overly ambitious kitchen projects at once. While I often feel pretty accomplished on Sunday night, being constantly on the go can get a little exhausting after a while. 

Sure enough, a few weeks ago, I wore myself out a bit and caught a nasty sinus infection that knocked me out pretty hard and pretty quickly. It was a great signal from the Universe to slow down and take it easy. With that in mind, since getting better, I've vowed to take things easy and really embrace the things that I want to do, rather than the things I feel I should or could be doing. This has looked like:

• greeting the first hours of Saturday on the dance floor at a Friday night 90's dance party
• driving to the beach and leaving when I want to, not feeling like I should stay because I've driven a ways to get there
• getting hooked on The Bachelorette, a show I never thought I'd watch
• spending an entire afternoon berry picking...not once, but twice
• waking up at 6:15am on a Saturday to go running because it feels good to start my day with my blood pumping (and feeling grateful whether I run 2 miles or 3/4 of a mile because I've done something kind for my body)
• re-reading Farmer Boy because it was the first food memoir I read as a kid (thanks, Laura Ingalls Wilder!)
• eating ice cream for dinner (helloooooo Tonight Dough!)

It's been so liberating to absolve myself from ideas about how I should be spending my time and to instead embrace the attitude that my time is mind to spend...on whatever grand or trivial thing I choose!

One of my long-term "I do what I want" projects is to work my way through all of my cookbooks--one at a time. I'm currently jamming on The Four and Twenty Blackbirds Pie Book, which is stunning and lovely to read through. After all that glorious berry picking, I spent a week trying to perfect the perfect all-butter crust. I'd say I'm pretty darn close at this point :)

Though I made a few different pies over the past month or so, this one might just be my favorite. You can get the pie crust recipe in the book, or here, or you can use your favorite crust recipe. For the filling, I used mostly strawberries (that I picked!), with a stalk or two of rhubarb. It's also got a spoonful or two of strawberry-balsamic jam because, well, it's my jam. 

Strawberry-Balsamic Pie (adapted from Saveur)

• 3 lb. strawberries, halved
• 1⁄2 cup plus 1 tbsp. sugar
• 1⁄2 cup cornstarch
• 2 T balsamic vinegar
• 2 T strawberry jam of your choosing
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 egg yolk + 1 T water
• 2 10" pie crusts, chilled.

1. Pre-heat oven to 425F.
2. Reserve the 1 tbsp of sugar and set aside.
3. Mix together remaining filling ingredients in a bowl and set aside to hang out while you get the pie crust ready.
2. Roll out each pie crust into a 10" diameter circle. Place one pie crust in the bottom of a 9" deep dish pie pan.
3. Add filling to pan.
4. Cut lattice strips or get funky with some cookie cutters to make your pie crust look extra swanky. Top the pie with the lattice in a weave pattern or your cut out shapes. 
5. Mix together egg yolk + water to make an egg wash. Brush the top of the pie with the egg wash and sprinkle with the 1 tbsp of sugar. 
6. Bake until the crust is a lovely golden brown color and the inside of the pie is bubbling nicely. Remove from the oven and allow to cool, then serve with some ice cream or whipped cream and write yourself a permission slip to enjoy a slice, or the whole damn thing. I won't judge!
 

Strawberry Rhubarb Donuts with Prosecco-Rhubarb Glaze

A few weeks ago, I renewed my passport. In the process, I dragged out my old passport and couldn't help but reflect on the amazing places I'd visited in the last ten years. My mind whirred with the sites, sounds, and (perhaps most vividly) tastes of dishes I'd eaten across the globe. I smiled thinking of friendships forged across oceans, deepened by conversation and good food, and since-sustained by social media. My heart was thankful for each hug goodbye and each opportunity to explore somewhere new. 

While I spent a great deal of time thinking about the places I'd seen and the things I'd done, I hadn't given much thought to how I'd changed in the last 10 years. It wasn't until I saw my new passport photo that I realized how different I am now than the 20 year old version of myself who traveled solo for the first time. As I stared in the face of my new passport photo, the woman staring back seemed confident, healthy, and content. My old passport photo showed a girl who looked tired, unsure, and not super healthy. I was blown away at the difference that good sleep, exercise, meditation, prayer, self-kindness, grace, balance, and self-care could make! It's been quite the journey to make these changes in the last few years, and one tiny 2x2" photograph was all the confirmation in the world to keep on the path I was on :) 

In light of embracing balance and self-care, I decided to treat myself to a long weekend of doing things that made me happy and that I wanted to do. I indulged in some guilty pleasures (I'm a big fan of hot dogs), and also made myself some super healthy smoothie bowls. I spent an entire day purging things I didn't need and another day laying on the beach reading. I also treated myself to my favorite summertime activity--strawberry picking. 

I picked a total of 11 lbs of strawberries in all and I have major plans for all of them! I'll likely make some acai bowls, some sorbet, freeze some, and then save the tiny guys for some strawberry preserves from my pal Autumn's new book, Beyond Canning. 

To keep the theme of balance and treat yo self going, I'm also adding strawberries into the mix to celebrate one of my favorite national food holidays, National Donut Day! To celebrate the balance of indulging and eating on the lighter side, I made baked donuts instead of fried (compromise, amiright?). These are pretty closely adapted from a recipe in Saveur, only instead of using 1/2 cup chopped strawberries, I used a combo of strawberries and raspberries. (head on over to Saveur for the recipe!)

To make the glaze, I simmered 1/3 cup chopped rhubarb in 1/2 cup prosecco until the rhubarb broke down and got nice and mushy. I strained the liquid from the solids and added the liquid to 2 cups powdered sugar, and a tablespoon of corn syrup. I gave that a good whisk and then dipped my donuts and placed them on a cooling rack to let the glaze run off :) 

How do you treat yourself? Do you have a favorite donut recipe? Leave a link in the comments! Happy #NationalDonutDay!

Boozy Nutella Marshmallows + a bit of grace

Some of the most delightful things come when we stop struggling to do things the way they've always been done and we open ourselves up to the unconventional. 

When I turned 30, I set a lot of big-picture goals for myself, vowing to stay open minded and positive no matter the outcome. It was terrifying to embrace that sort of vulnerability--the kind that asks you to sprint towards doubt with eyes squeezed shut and hope for the best. The last few years I've embraced change and taking risks. I know that the most liberating feelings happen once I leap outside my comfort zone and decide to just do it already. 

Keeping this all in mind, I faced this year with relentless optimism. I dreamed big. I prioritized my own happiness. I mustered up the courage to apply to my dream job [and was lucky enough to get it]. I let love in. I learned when to walk away. I embraced my flaws. I found an apartment with amazing light and a farmhouse sink. I learned to say no. I rediscovered what it meant to be part of a community. I let myself mourn. I embraced my affectionate side. I traveled to Hawaii with some amazing human beings. I jumped out of an airplane. I failed a bunch.

Normally after such huge emotional endeavors, I'd fill pages of my journal with reflections about the dreams I'm chasing, the doubts that seep through the cracks of my confidence, moments of overwhelming gratitude and questions I have in the midst of uncertainty. Despite all these epic achievements and important plot points, I realized that, unlike previous versions of my journaling-inclined self, I hadn't written much.

Looking at this seemingly deserted blog (no pun intended), it's also a bit unusual to note that in the flurry of emotion, I didn't leave much space for writing here either. Normally, I'd worry that my feelings would evaporate into the ether if I didn't give them a permanent place in writing. I'd spend a few hours scraping the barrel of my memory to try to recall all of the tiny moments of awe and importance and frantically jot down what was left of them.  I didn't make time record the joyful experiences while my cheeks were still curled up in a smile, or scribble down some of the doubts and anxieties I had while my heart was still racing. Looking back, I realize that's perfectly okay.

In the midst of all these moments, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on grace. Specifically, what it means to extend grace to myself--when it's okay to fail and how to show myself a little extra compassion when I miss the mark. It's always been much easier for me to empathize and forgive others. This last year has taught me that I need to grant the same grace to myself. This means zooming out and seeing the bigger picture, fully experiencing a moment instead of rushing to record it, not assuming responsibility for things out of my control, not always striving for perfection, and recognizing that lessons live right behind failure. And sometimes, it means knowing when to stop trying so hard.

Take these marshmallows, for example. The idea for Nutella marshmallows was swirling through my brain for two weeks. I had everything I needed to make them, but when I grabbed the bottle of Frangelico, I realized quickly that the top wouldn't open to the bottle. I tried and tried and tried to unscrew the cap, but my grip was no match for the sealed-shut top. I'd abandon the project, forgetting about it for a day or so only to have it march back to the forefront of my thoughts waving its arms, demanding my attention. I'd find myself back in the kitchen trying to pry open the bottle with every last bit of upper body strength I could muster. All with no luck. 

After a long day this week, I headed to the kitchen to try to unwind with some baking therapy. I absent-mindedly grabbed the bottle and started making small twists with my hands. I had too much on my brain to pay much attention to what I was doing, and yet, after a few minutes of mindless, tiny twists, the cap suddenly loosened. My Frangelico was free and I was able to make what turned out to be my most delicious marshmallow flavor to date. It makes me wonder what other awesome discoveries that could surface on their own if I stopped trying so hard to force them and tried something new instead...

Boozy Nutella Marshmallows

Ingredients for the Marshmallows

• 2 1/2 tablespoons unflavored powdered gelatin (or, 3 packages Knox)
• 1 cup water, divided
• 1 1/2 cups sugar
• 1 cup light corn syrup
• pinch salt
• 2 1/2 tablespoons Frangelico
• 2 tablespoons cocoa powder

For dusting the pan

• 1/3 cup confectioner’s sugar
• 1/3 cup corn starch
• 1 T canola oil or non-stick spray

Instructions

1. Pour 1/2 cup water into the bowl of a stand mixture. Sprinkle powdered gelatin over the top and allow to bloom, approximately 5 minutes. (Note, the mixture will shrivel and congeal and look a little gross. Don't be alarmed!)
2. Meanwhile, combine corn syrup, sugar, and remaining 1/2 cup water in a small pan. Heat on medium until mixture reaches soft-ball stage, or 240F. Remove from heat. 
3. Turn stand mixer on low, slowly begin drizzling hot syrup into the gelatin in a thin stream. Once combined, turn speed up to medium. Whisk for 5 minutes.
4. While the mixture is whipping, spray an 8x8" square straight-sided pan with non-stick spray. Combine corn starch & confectioner's sugar together and use to dust the pan with. Tap to remove excess.
5. Turn mixer to high. Whisk for 7 minutes. Turn speed to low and add in cocoa powder. Once combined, add in Frangelico and whisk until all the alcohol is combined. Turn off mixer
6. Using a greased off-set spatula (It’s gonna get sticky and messy so if you want to sit and play and be messy, go for it. Otherwise, grease it up!) evenly spread the marshmallow out into the pan. Allow to set for at least 4 hours.
7. Once set, cut into squares or shapes using your favorite cookie cutter dusted with corn starch/confectioner's sugar mixture. 

Naked Lemon Berry Birthday Cake & Celebrating the Small Stuff

There are some people in this world who can find joy in anything. My dear friend Dara is one of these people. Whether she's riding bikes through Amsterdam, camping in Death Valley in July, or going to trivia at the local townie bar, she always knows how to make the most of her environment. She has the most genuine laugh of anyone I've ever met because she tries to enjoy life to the fullest. 

I admire Dara's positivity and spirit so much! She is one of the most appreciative people I know. She sends cards in the mail just to say hi, even if we're meeting up that day. Or she'll send a thank you note to show her appreciation just for being her friend. Seeing her very unique handwriting on the front of a piece of mail can pretty much guarantee that a smile is on its way.

She's helped me on a bigger scale as well. When I was going through a rough patch before leaving Philly and was mired in anxiety, she always made pause to appreciate what was good in my life. When I beat myself up, she reminded me of my strengths and helped me to look at stress as a challenge and an area for improvement. She also taught me the importance of self-care, even if it's just treating yourself to a new nail polish or getting to bed an extra fifteen minutes early. 

As we've been friends these last few years, her positivity has certainly rubbed off on me! I value self care immensely and find myself doing things like listening to my body when it wants to stay in instead of going out, speaking to myself with more kindness, and focusing on the positive instead of worrying. 

So, in a tiny attempt to celebrate the lady who celebrates the small stuff, I wanted to make a small layer cake that was both simple and elegant. I used this recipe for the lemon layer cake, filled the first and third layers with black raspberry preserves, the middle layer with homemade strawberry jam and made a dairy-free frosting with lemon extract. I topped the little cake with some fresh figs, grapes from my friend Susan's garden and some delicate pink currants. I'd say it was a success!

Happy Birthday, Dar!